zcmega.com

HAPPY TO BE HERE

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. It’s been over a year since I’ve written one of these journal entries, and a lot has happened in my life worthy of reflecting on. 

First and foremost, I am currently living a much more stable lifestyle. Both financially and emotionally I’m in a much more manageable place than a year ago. Making money off of my art, at least as a primary source of income, wasn’t coming to fruition fast enough to rely on. Times got tough as some might say. It wasn’t an easy pill to swallow, but I set aside everything I was doing to find myself a job. I eventually got that job, and I’m incredibly thankful for the ability to support myself, but my artistic endeavors admittedly took a backseat for a while.

I fell in love with my girlfriend last year and I was lucky enough to fly out to Italy for her birthday. I’d never even been to Europe before this and it was a time I will forever cherish. I got to experience a new culture, explore foreign places, and try new foods, all while being with the person who understands me like no one else in this world does. I never want to take these moments for granted. It was a monumentally special time.

My transition from a life of near complete uncertainty into one that is very much stable happened fairly abruptly. For as long and drawn out as the last two years might have seemed, the ‘new normal’ hit me like a truck. I’m still grappling with how exactly I’ve arrived at the place I am at today. I finally feel as though I am getting my life together, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m getting too comfortable. Too complacent. I don’t dare forget the hunger and desperation I possessed when I seemingly had nothing to lose. I only put my artistic endeavors on the sideline in order to achieve a certain level of autonomy. Since I’ve accomplished that, it’s now time to reignite that flame. 

It hasn’t been easy to do this. I look at my lack of creative output in this last year and I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself. Through therapy I learned to not be as hard on myself as I once did, but it’s undeniably frustrating. There’s a lot more going on these days than last year. I have schedules to balance, relationships to maintain, and bills to pay. If I want to improve my artistic production I’m going to need to be more efficient. That means pushing past being tired, eliminating excuses, and letting go of perfection.

Sometimes I really attempt to slow down, take a deep breath and live moment to moment. Tragically the circumstances of our existence force events to happen, and time continues relentlessly on refusing to deviate from its course in even the slightest way. I don’t pity myself despite all this. I believe wholeheartedly that I will improve. I will pick myself up after every setback, and every failure. I’ll spend my whole life attempting to be a better person. The past is the past. I’m just happy to be here.

-zcmega

Re-engaging Reality

It’s a new year with a new president and the same problems. I went back home over the holidays and spent some quality time with my parents and little brother before he shipped off to college. It was a much needed break after the frustrations I was feeling in Boston. Going home always reminds me of what made me who I am, and makes me thankful for the life I’m currently able to live. Once I got back into the city, it was time to get in a zone and make shit happen.

Being an artist is the one true dream I have in this life. Making money has absolutely nothing to do with that. However, it was time to set that grudge aside and admit that if I want to do nothing but be creative on my own terms, I would need to make it financially feasible. I was finally able to open up the virtual shop on this website, and on my first day I was fortunate enough to get a few orders. I’m currently working on getting as much of my work uploaded as possible, and forcing myself to think of marketing strategies to promote my art. I’m attempting to let go of the shame I reflexively feel while doing so. It feels impure to monetize art, but I can’t be above that in my current situation. I’m stubborn, and I often need to get out of my own way to make progress. It’s all a learning process.

I’m increasingly confident in my abilities and place in this world. I know where I want to be, and I have a reasonable path to getting to it. All I need to do is put my head down and charge forward, pushing all other distractions and hesitations aside. Time is our most valuable commodity as human beings and I’m the only one who gets to decide how I use mine. Ironically, as the world continues to flounder and grow increasingly uncertain, I have found peace of mind. This isn’t to say I don’t have down days, but I try my hardest to live in the moment. I pursue what makes me happy while discarding what doesn’t. It’s that simple.

I feel that 2020 signaled the death of a certain way of life. Every day I cross my fingers for that vaccine to fall into my lap, but even if everyone gets vaccinated, there remain serious problems I’m not sure anyone’s prepared to address. The virus exposed so many flaws in our systems that make everything appear so terrifyingly fragile. Many people have chosen to completely ignore this reality, some even deny it. How, as a society, do we reconcile with that? I don’t know. Who’s to say this kind of tragedy doesn’t happen again? Even if it doesn’t, slower moving forces such as climate change will dramatically alter our world in the coming decades. How much longer can we cling to the luxuries of modern life before we realize we’re digging our own graves? I simply do not know.

We live unsustainable lives, and as someone who used to think about death an unhealthy amount, I’m apathetic. It feels like all of these hardships were set into motion way before I was born, and will continue beat down humanity far past my death. I’m not a scientist, doctor or engineer, I’m not blessed with those abilities that could perhaps aid in the resistance of our downfall. These days politics sicken me, and that’s really the only other field I’d be qualified for. So once again I turn back to the art. It’s never done me wrong. It’s been my eternal solace. It gives me complete control. Maybe my creations inspire positive change, maybe they don’t. Who cares. I’m in love with creating art, and so I’ll continue to do so.

-zcmega

Shifting Into Next Gear

Recently I think I’ve been letting my foot off of the gas pedal a little bit. A sort of mental slump if you will. Maybe it’s lingering election stress, maybe it’s the fact that unemployment benefits run out next month, or maybe it’s just the colder days and longer nights. Whatever it is, I don’t like it.

I’m addicted to accomplishment. When I finally figure something out and get that rush of endorphins, it’s reinvigorating. I’ve been chasing that feeling my entire life. I feel the need to prove my worth to my parents, my friends, and myself. In the past I would put a crushing amount of pressure on myself to achieve that recognition. I’ve learned to convert that pressure into healthy motivation, but it doesn’t diminish the drive I have to push the threshold of what I’m capable of.

Most of my time in the COVID-19 era has been spent adapting like everyone else. My original post grad plan was to hit up every event, show, and kick back necessary to reach that next level. Obviously that’s not a reasonable option these days. Instead, I directed all of that energy inward. I worked on personal development. I honed my skills, sharpened my crafts, sought new ones, and plotted on post-pandemic moves. At the moment I’m still doing just that.

I have always seen myself as someone who has thrived under pressure, self-inflicted or otherwise. It’s not always a pleasant experience, but it is what it is. All things considered I was able to have some success this year, especially after therapy helped me reorganize and refocus my thoughts. I established two websites, strategized my artwork, kept up with a weekly radio show slot, and put out a debut mixtape. This is nothing to scoff at, but I want more.

I am thoroughly thankful for what I have been able to accomplish given the circumstances, but I’m nowhere near satisfied. That hunger still eats me up at night. In fact, I often find myself frustrated because I demand more out of myself. Perhaps it’s my lack of patience with the process. I recently started my largest canvas ever to test my patience, and trust me, looking at it unfinished every morning drives me up a wall.

Despite my fulltime efforts to make it as an artist, I’m still not where I want to be. And that’s just in terms of personal benchmarks, money is also getting tight. This isn’t to suggest I don’t have a good support system or people who’d jump to my aid if needed, but the goal is to never have to reach that point. Something must change.

I will continue to work at evolving as an artist, staying consistent, disciplined, and unrelenting towards my goals. Regardless of how tough times get, or how dire the situation looks, my overall mission remains the same. However, it is definitely time to shift into another gear. As much as I’ve worked to defeat internal hesitation and apprehension, now’s the time to stomp it further into the dirt. It’s time to double down. I need to create more freely, brushing aside my habitual tendencies. There’s no time to waste on justification for what I’m making. Just make cool shit. That’s it.

-zcmega

First Mixtape, First Tattoo

This past week was a really productive one. I’ve been on a roll creatively, but this phenomena is a fairly new one for me. Since my therapy sessions have ended, I’ve managed to stay focused on my goals. Nothing and no one has gotten in my way. In terms of drive and productivity, I’m not the person I was even six months ago, and that’s been a difficult thing to wrap my mind around. I feel like I’ve rewired my brain to be efficient and mindful in everything I do. I wake up every day and make strides in at least one of my main projects, but it still catches me off guard how much I end up getting done in one day. I’m constantly improving my methodology, and I’m paying attention to details. I plot, plan, and then act. I follow my intuition, and it feels liberating. Once again, there’s a caveat with all this, I’m only succeeding on my own terms. I’m making progress in the lanes that I believe will bring me the most fulfillment in my life. However, this doesn’t equate to monetary gain, nor does it guarantee me any stability in my immediate future.

I’m hoping of course, that this will soon change, and I’m working on ways to remedy my financial situation. I can’t help that I live in a capitalistic society where I’m forced to monetize my hobbies if that’s all I want to do in life. I just hope that if I end up needing a more typical job that the passion and motivation I currently possess won’t fade away. All I want is to be debt free, make rent, and eat well. If that could be taken care of I’m confident that I would be able satisfy my other wants in this world. Owning a nice car doesn’t interest me. New clothes are nice, but I could do without them. I understand what will nourish my soul, and it has nothing to do with commercial goods or with monetary wealth. Materialism has been the tool of capitalism, and I am attempting to resist its temptations.

In the past week I managed, with the help of a bunch of my friends, to put out my debut mixtape on SoundCloud. This project was a long time in the making. I have always been a huge fan of hip-hop and rap music, and I started messing around with my own music back in high school. However, it wasn’t until college that I started to take it more serious and began to search out like-minded individuals to collaborate with. The name of the mixtape, ‘The Mission Hill EP’, pays homage to the neighborhood where I’ve had most of my college experiences. Most of the songs on the tape are representative of another time, in the sense that they don’t represent how I’m feeling these days. Nonetheless, I’m still really proud of putting it out into the universe. I know many people weren’t aware that I ever intended to be a rapper, but it’s always been a dream. I just realized that it was a tangible dream, so long as I worked at it consistently and asked the right people for help. I find myself thinking this way a lot, and I stopped caring what others would think of me if I stepped outside my comfort zone. It was a personal milestone.

The other milestone I reached this past week was a much more unexpected one. No, I still don’t have any tattoos on my body, but I was able to give someone else my first tattoo. The person who allowed me to do this to them is the same person teaching me the craft of tattooing. He’s a local artist I met doing some volunteer work for a nonprofit a few months back. He randomly DM’ed me a few weeks later asking if I wanted to learn how to tattoo. I had never considered becoming a tattoo artist, but this was an opportunity I could not turn down. I began meeting up with him in order to get shown the ropes. His level of trust in me is something that I’ll be forever grateful for. The first day we met up he let me take one of his old tattoo machines home to practice on fruit with. That took a fair amount of trust on his end, but it took even more when he offered to be my first tattoo canvas. I was caught off guard, but I agreed, I see that kind of offer as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. These days I’m not really in the position to be turning down such offers. He tells me that there’s good money in tattooing, especially with me knowing so many college aged individuals. Only time will tell if I end up lending credibility to that statement. I intend on following through.

I’m pursuing a lot of endeavors at the moment. Sometimes I need to take a step back to breathe. The quarantine lifestyle feels devoid of celebration, lacking of closure to any given project. No parties, no shows, just more time. Time to think, to ruminate on what could be, or what could have been. I like to focus on the former. I’ve gotten the ball rolling in many regards, and it doesn’t want to stop. I see no reason to make it do so.

-zcmega

Therapy and Prosperity

This past week I had what might be my last session of therapy for a while. This isn’t at all because I don’t want to see my therapist again. She’s helped me so much in these last few months that I actually owe her my sincerest thanks. The real reason I’ll likely not be seeing my therapist for some time is due to costs. My insurance has been paying for my weekly sessions in full due to ordinances brought about by the virus. Prior to that, Northeastern had covered my first ten sessions while I was still in school. Knowing for now that my weekly meetings are coming to an end, I’m using this journal entry to reflect.

Having to face the real world in May of 2020 was never going to be easy. That’s why after some encouragement from close friends, I sought help in the form of a therapist before the pandemic even started. I was planning on taking some calculated risks after leaving college, and I needed an outside, objective third-party to talk through my plans with. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

My therapist undeniably had a beneficial effect on my life. However, she would make sure you know that I was the one making a concentrated effort to create positive change I wanted to see in life. With therapy you get out what you put in.

From the early days of March until now, I’ve learned quite a lot about myself. I’ve been able to organize my goals by pinpointing what makes me happy. We reasonably considered what I would have to sacrifice to allow me to live how I wanted. We also dissected what was keeping me from achieving those goals; what distractions and unhealthy patterns were holding me back. It took a lot of trial and error. So much was happening in the world around me that at times I questioned if there was any merit to my personal endeavors at all. There were times I cried out of frustration; so scared of the unknown. I often felt like every waking moment that went by was counting down to my death. This unavoidable fact. There’d never be enough time.

The key to escaping this mindset was a shift in perspective of course. In reality, time does not care about you or me. Time is not counting down to your death, rather it is steadily pressing forward into the future. We are the ones who attempt to interpret this phenomena. In doing so, we often fail to focus on how we should be spending these precious moments. Moments which have never been, and will never be, guaranteed.

One major issue identified by my therapist and I was my habit of spending unreasonable amounts of time planning and plotting my moves. I’d been doing it my entire life. I’d hesitate, overthink, and try to find the perfect way to do everything. I was hindering my own potential, preoccupied with minutiae. Whether it was art, music, relationships; I was so terrified of failure or embarrassing myself. So worried that I’d end up misrepresenting my true self to the point where I’d often opt to do nothing at all. That is a mistake I no longer find acceptable. I now allot a specific amount of time to think about my plans. An hour, two, even a day if I need, but once that time I set for myself is up, I’m no longer allowed to think about it, only act upon it.

I’ve learned to fall in love with mere progress. Crossing a finish line is certainly a higher level of elation, but it’s brief. By learning to take joy from the small, seemingly insignificant moments, I have been the happiest I ever felt in my entire life. No lie. These tiny events, when added up, are a far greater amount of time than the singular moment of achieving any one goal. If you spent all of your energy focused on crossing that line, and none spent cherishing how you got there, what do you have left after that high runs out? You’re left reminiscing on the past. Actively live you life.

For anything you want to accomplish there are steps, no matter how small, that will move you in the direction of success. Often, the most unexpected events are the ones which end up pushing us the furthest towards our ends. This is why it’s valuable to place yourself in new, uncomfortable situations. It might not pan out every time, but you’d never find out by being complacent.

That’s the other thing with life, there’s always more to do. You get to decide whether your content with the situation presented before you. If unsatisfied, it’s on you to make an effort to move in a new direction. You may never get as far you want to. You may never achieve the perfection you seek. Regardless, wherever you end up after the attempt will have you far more experienced, with more potential opportunities, than if you had stayed stagnant. This much I know.

In the past few months, despite all the chaos and quarantine, I have gathered all the proof that I personally need. I’ve proven this concept to myself. I don’t need to convince anyone else, but I hope by constantly talking about my experience I can inspire those around me to do the same. Live a conscious life. If therapy isn’t an option, talk to anyone who will listen. It’s better than constantly being in your own head, trust me. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Reach out to me if you need. Regardless of what you do, make sure to put positive energy out into the universe. This will attract more positive energy. It’s tough, but once you get the ball rolling, momentum carries. Not every day is a success, but it motivates me to make the next day better. Taking breaks is also okay. It’s necessary and healthy.

Despite my therapy coming to somewhat of a forced end, I don’t feel particularly worried. I am actually more confident than I’ve been in a very long time. I’ve taken what I’ve learned, and gotten the most out of the sessions. I’m excited to see what life has in store for me.

-zcmega

Website Launch

After years of having the domain name bought, but never quite knowing how to go about it, I was finally able to get this website up and running. A huge shout out and thank you has to go to my good friend Jack for walking me through the whole process. I absolutely could not have done this without him, and I’m grateful he took the time during his busy day to help me out.

This has been a very long time coming. Jack was actually with me when I originally had the idea for this website over three years ago. We were at a local diner back in Connecticut that our friends frequented after long nights of driving around to nowhere in particular. Even in those undeniably more carefree times, I knew that reserving my own digital space was important. I bought the domain name ‘zcmega.com’ right then and there in the diner. Then I largely forgot about it… until now.

I’m thrilled to finally have my own online real estate. It will absolutely make my life easier these days because I find myself constantly getting involved with projects and starting new personal endeavors. Whenever people ask me what I’m up to I often have a hard time coming up with a coherent summary of everything that occupies my time. It’s my hope that in making this website I won’t ever have to be lost for words again. I’ll just say, “check out zcmega.com, everything you want to know is probably up there already.”

I honestly gained a great sense of relief crafting these web pages. It feels weirdly private, but public at the same time. So long as someone keeps making the payments each month, this website will remain up long after I’m gone. I take comfort in that for some reason. Perhaps I’ve just been craving a larger legacy of some sort, not wanting to be forgotten to the erosion of time. It’s a selfish and egotistic wish, but as someone who creates, it’s a deeply personal goal that I’m striving for.

There will always be something new getting ready to be uploaded to this website. It’s simply an extension of my creative drive. If you even take the smallest amount of your time to scroll through these pages, I appreciate you. Feel free to reach out.

-zcmega