Shifting Into Next Gear
Recently I think I’ve been letting my foot off of the gas pedal a little bit. A sort of mental slump if you will. Maybe it’s lingering election stress, maybe it’s the fact that unemployment benefits run out next month, or maybe it’s just the colder days and longer nights. Whatever it is, I don’t like it.
I’m addicted to accomplishment. When I finally figure something out and get that rush of endorphins, it’s reinvigorating. I’ve been chasing that feeling my entire life. I feel the need to prove my worth to my parents, my friends, and myself. In the past I would put a crushing amount of pressure on myself to achieve that recognition. I’ve learned to convert that pressure into healthy motivation, but it doesn’t diminish the drive I have to push the threshold of what I’m capable of.
Most of my time in the COVID-19 era has been spent adapting like everyone else. My original post grad plan was to hit up every event, show, and kick back necessary to reach that next level. Obviously that’s not a reasonable option these days. Instead, I directed all of that energy inward. I worked on personal development. I honed my skills, sharpened my crafts, sought new ones, and plotted on post-pandemic moves. At the moment I’m still doing just that.
I have always seen myself as someone who has thrived under pressure, self-inflicted or otherwise. It’s not always a pleasant experience, but it is what it is. All things considered I was able to have some success this year, especially after therapy helped me reorganize and refocus my thoughts. I established two websites, strategized my artwork, kept up with a weekly radio show slot, and put out a debut mixtape. This is nothing to scoff at, but I want more.
I am thoroughly thankful for what I have been able to accomplish given the circumstances, but I’m nowhere near satisfied. That hunger still eats me up at night. In fact, I often find myself frustrated because I demand more out of myself. Perhaps it’s my lack of patience with the process. I recently started my largest canvas ever to test my patience, and trust me, looking at it unfinished every morning drives me up a wall.
Despite my fulltime efforts to make it as an artist, I’m still not where I want to be. And that’s just in terms of personal benchmarks, money is also getting tight. This isn’t to suggest I don’t have a good support system or people who’d jump to my aid if needed, but the goal is to never have to reach that point. Something must change.
I will continue to work at evolving as an artist, staying consistent, disciplined, and unrelenting towards my goals. Regardless of how tough times get, or how dire the situation looks, my overall mission remains the same. However, it is definitely time to shift into another gear. As much as I’ve worked to defeat internal hesitation and apprehension, now’s the time to stomp it further into the dirt. It’s time to double down. I need to create more freely, brushing aside my habitual tendencies. There’s no time to waste on justification for what I’m making. Just make cool shit. That’s it.
-zcmega